This, I love.

Once upon a time, I had a perfect family of three. 

I know that sounds like hyperbole, but when your family starts like mine did, there’s a fine line between hyperbole and fact.  I fell in love with Sue at first sight.  OK, it was lust, really, but it was definitely at first sight.  We spent a while nodding to each other in the hallways at work, then started really talking.  Six weeks later, we were married. 

Did I mention that I was engaged to someone else at the time?  Or that our wedding took place behind a castle in Ireland, standing in a field of yellow flowers?

In all our years of marriage, there is one thing I’ve never questioned – Sue is exactly the person I was supposed to marry.  She’s the yin to my yang, the Lucy to my Desi.  Oh sure, she drives me fucking crazy sometimes, but what kind of boring life would it be without a little bit of crazy?  As ridiculously gender stereotypical as it might be to say that Sue shows me the value of my heart -there it is.  When I get all lofty and big world problems, Sue is there to remind me (show me, really) that sometimes picking up the phone and calling someone, or surprising them with a little act of kindness is the most important thing anyone can do.  More than that, Sue shows me the value of MY heart.  If I have ever had a hard time seeing the good in myself, every day of our marriage Sue has shown me that she sees it, and encourages me to give more of it to the world around me.

    

Then there is Taidgh.  Sue and I were like a lot of new parents, living our lives with the absolute conviction that our baby was smarter and cuter than all the babies in the world.  Fourteen years later, I still know that Taidgh is smart and handsome (and FUNNY) but this ultimately isn’t what makes him so special.  Taidgh lives his life with no separation between head and heart.  He values his family and friends more than any other kid I know.  And anytime he’s put in a situation where someone needs his help, Taidgh helps.  You can keep your rocket scientist, I’ll stick with my Gandhi.    

Sue and I wanted Aberash to be our daughter after looking at a single photo of her.  She’s been with us for just over two months now, and if there is one thing I can say for certain, that photo conveys nothing of who Aberash is.  Oh, she’s beautiful all right, but while the photo shows a quiet, demure little girl, Aberash is NOT.  She is fiercely independent. Try to pick out her clothes for her, or offer her help when she hasn’t asked for it? Prepare to be soundly rebuffed.  She wears her heart on her sleeve, and anywhere else it can possibly be worn.  When Aberash is mad, she is REALLY mad, and when she is happy, her smiles and laughter light up the room.  And her sense of humor?  Let’s just say Aberash’s favorite Amharic words translate to “poop”, “pee” and “fart” and that these are usually used in combination with “daddy”, “mommy” or “brother”. 

Long story short?  She’s perfect for our family.  And goddamnit, she is cute.  When Aberash really loves something, whether food, a stuffed animal or a person, she points to it and says in Ethiopian-accented English, “This?  This, I love.”   

In the months leading up to the adoption, Sue and I spent many a night lying in bed talking about what might be. How would we help her live with her sadness, her loss?  Would she hate me?  For how long?  When would she feel safe?  The past two months have been a rollercoaster of joys and challenges.  And while some of the ride is what we talked about, what’s really been incredible is what I didn’t expect.  Like all the new things I’m seeing in my formerly-perfect-family-of three.    

Sue has always been a great Mom.  Definitely not the “a good meal on the table every night” kind of Mom, more the “always there for you/reminding you of the good stuff in you/showing you that compared to love, nothing else matters” kind of Mom. And fuck it, I can cook. Sue has had more than her share of sorrow and loss in her life, and still lives her life with abandon and joy.  Yes, Sue has always been a great mom.  She was meant to be Aberash's mom.  If anyone will see Aberash’s strength and independence and fire as GOOD things, it’s Sue.  If anyone will nurture these traits while teaching Aberash that she can be all of these and still give herself completely over to love, it’s Sue.  When you’ve had terrible loss in your life… independence, strength, fire, and love… what more could you possibly need?  Then there is Taidgh. Taidgh spent the months leading up to the adoption talking about how he didn’t want a sibling, and how he planned on playing a game called “throw my sister in the river”.  What a crock. Every day he plays with her, showers her with kisses, and calls her beautiful over and over.  Sure, she drives him fucking crazy sometimes, but what kind of a boring life would it be without a little bit of crazy?  In the silliness and the teasing and the "konjos" and the kisses, Taidgh is the best big brother any little girl could hope to have.  Sue and I both think that Taidgh is Aberash’s favorite person, and if that makes me more than a little jealous I also know that's EXACTLY the way it should be.

Which brings me to me.  One thing I know about myself – I’m a man who needs more recognition/acknowledgement/praise than is reasonable for me to need.  From my mom, my boss, my friends, my wife, my kids, I need it.  And when you boil the recognition/acknowledgement/praise thing down, it really comes down to one thing. I need to feel loved. Which has made the whole ”adopting a kid who is a little older and who has been abandoned” thing kind of problematic.  There have been times over the past two months when I have been quite certain that Aberash doesn’t love me.  Or at least is very uncertain and scared about what she feels. Why wouldn’t she be?  And I feel incredibly, unworthily BLESSED for every glimmer of affection – every kiss, every hug, every “I love you” I have gotten in the very short time we have been together.  I just can’t stop myself from feeling hurt when she pushes me away.  But even the worst moments of “Imbee, Daddy”, haven’t changed the way I feel about Aberash. I’m in love with her. I love her nose, her lips, her laugh, her fro, and the way she walks around like she owns the place.  Like she owns EVERY place.  I love her now.  I love her tomorrow.  I love her always. I will never stop loving her, never stop trying to seep that love into every fiber of her being.  And it’s really hard for me to explain just how wonderful this makes me feel. About life and love.  About my family.  About me. 

Once upon a time I had a perfect family of three.  Now we are a family of four. We are louder, and crazier and more boisterous.  Catch us at the wrong moment and you might see tears or anger, misunderstandings, and hurt feelings. Catch us at the wrong moment and you’ll probably think we are a lot less than perfect.   It’s a rollercoaster around here.  We don’t have all the answers, and our life involves tons of figuring out stuff as we go.  Much of the time I'm pretty fucking tired, and more often than not I’m walking around with crap on my shirt and a mad-scientist hairdo.  I'm not expecting that rollercoaster ride to smooth out anytime in the future.  But with all the ups and downs, uncertainty and craziness, we’re together.  We’re holding each other tight on our way down those scary hills, and all yelling out big-ass-whoops of joy when we are at the top. Ask me how I feel about my family of four, and my answer will always be the same.  

This?  This, I love.