I realized yesterday that I have the tendency to write as though I have an audience, even though my audience consists of just two people – Sue and me. For me, writing and then rereading the posts is about bringing some clarity to all the jumbled thoughts I have in my head. And (hopefully) over time I’ll see some kind of positive progression. I’m not really sure I know what Sue gets out of reading my posts. Maybe this blog is serving as a substitute for the fact that I’m not always very communicative about those jumbled thoughts.
Regardless of her reasons, I’m really glad Sue DOES read my posts. As we were lying in bed the other night, she said something like “I read your post about being stuck, and I thought it was really coincidental. I’ve wanted to write a post about our society’s tendency to convince people they need to go at things alone.” Then, as this was sinking in, “That’s not a problem I have. When it comes to things like what you are trying to do, I NEVER go at it alone.”
One thing I’m smart enough to have learned after 17+ years of marriage: when Sue says stuff like this, I should listen. See, I’ve learned that when it comes to matters of the heart, Sue is NEVER WRONG. And when I say “matters of the heart” I don’t mean anything superficial or fluffy. I mean the kind of deep emotional things that are both common and unique within all of us, because they are connected to the core of our souls. You can think that’s hyperbole if you want, but I mean every word. I’ve been married to the woman for a long time and over and over again I’ve seen proof that if there is some deep spiritual or soul searching question I have, the best person I can turn to is Sue.
Just because I think she is always right doesn’t mean I am always comfortable with her approach. Sue’s soul tells her she needs to maintain relationships with every person she’s ever loved… including every ex-boyfriend. This hasn’t always been easy for me to take. Sue’s soul also drives her to be extremely protective of her parents, even when her Dad is driving me up the wall with his political views. And I don’t think these approaches are always comfortable for Sue. When she loves you, she loves you forever. That means if she loses you she will never stop mourning that loss.
While there have been brief moments where I’ve felt otherwise, every time I’ve thought about it I’ve known I should never try to change these pieces of who Sue is. Because when it comes to matters of the heart, Sue is never wrong. I can definitely see the plus side of still having relationships with people I was really close with, and who KNOW my past, even if “love” wasn’t our ultimate destiny. I also think there’s something amazing in having such a deep relationship with your parents that you’ll defend and protect them – even when you know (and can tell them) they are wrong. And let’s face it, if death ensures that the inevitable outcome of every relationship is an end, doesn’t mourning just tell us that this relationship was as deep and strong as it could have been?
This is who Sue is. It is not, and has never been, who I am. I open up rarely, and slowly, and the number of people I’ve trusted with the really big stuff can probably be counted on one hand. It’s this openness and willingness to get to the core that was a major reason why I fell in love with Sue, and absolutely a reason why I still am.
Even more than that. In this regard, I want to BE like Sue. I remember seeing this question “Are you the type of person who tends to have a lot of good friends, or a few very deep friends?” Sue has shown me a third option. That it’s actually possible to have a lot of deep friends. She is there – TRULY THERE – for people all the time. And when the shit hits the fan for Sue, there is never a shortage of people willing to listen, and lend their support and advice. I don’t think Sue spends nearly as much time as I do questioning the meaning of her life. I think for her, these relationships show and give meaning all the time.
So this message is for the only other person in my audience of two. I’ve never felt that strong about my ability to express things that are deep in my heart, but I hope you know this – I’m listening, and I think you are right. Expanding the circle of people I confide in might be one of the best things I can do in my quest for meaning. I’m a little bit anxious about this, and not sure how easy it will come, but you’ve definitely given me inspiration to try. Regardless of the outcome, I do hope you know how blessed I feel to have you in my life.
Because as long as I have you, I’m never going at it alone.
Oh darling. I read every word and dangle on it. Because it is you. Because they are coming from your head and your heart. And though sometimes they operate outside my familiarity and my comfort zone, sometimes I don't know the best way to hold them close that does them (or you) justice). I've seen what happens when you put yourself out there, even just a little bit. You get a print of your Dad from a former colleague, you get a close friend who lives in our town, and you carry good good people from your past with you like your college friends. People I want to spend more time with. Like you Taidgh makes good choices on his friends. Few but strong. And I believe if you expand your circle, the wider and deeper those will be. And those, you are right, won't give you all your meaning, but can round out the tough edges.
ReplyDeleteI love you. And your blog. And I wish you would share it more with people...baby steps.