Failing to Meet My Potential

When Sue was pregnant with Taidgh, we attended birthing classes at Mass General in Boston.  On the first night the instructor asked the group to answer the question, "What are you most nervous about in becoming a parent?"  I answered, "Being the parent of a teenager" which got a few laughs.  I wasn't joking.  If my answer wasn't prescient, it at least showed some pretty strong self awareness.  See, my concern wasn't so much that teenagers are really difficult to parent.  It was more that I didn't think I would be very good at it.  And right now if I had to give myself a grade for being Taidgh's dad, it'd be a C+.  B- tops.

Taidgh and I have always had a strong relationship.  We've bonded over books, breakfasts, and Breaking Bad.  We've joined forces fighting zombies in video games, and have laughed simultaneously at a subtle joke buried in The Simpsons.  Some of my favorite memories of the past 14 years involve the time I have spent camping with my son.  The time we found a luna moth and he didn't believe it was real.  Or how pissed he was at me for making him climb Cadillac Mountain, and how proud of himself he was on the way down.  I love the kid.  I love the way he responds when people need him.  I love his sarcastic sense of humor.  Heck, I even love the fact that he calls me "Large one" and "Tubbo", since he is helping to pay off my karmic debt for all the mean nicknames I had for my dad.

But if I had to come up with one word for how I've been feeling about Taidgh recently, that word would be "frustrated".  Frustrated that he won't stop talking while I'm trying to veg out to TV.  Frustrated that he won't stop throwing his damn snack wrappers on the floor instead of the trash.  But most of all, frustrated because he just keeps failing to live up to his potential.  Why won't he stop wasting all of his time playing video games?  Can't he find ANY athletic activity that he enjoys?  And how many times do I have to tell him he needs to go "above and beyond" on school projects before he finally gets it?

Over the past couple of months, being Aberash's parent has brought up a number of.... issues... for me.  I'm thankful (and actually kind of proud of myself) that while those issues consumed me for some time, I pretty quickly came to a place where I recognized this TRUTH:  it is not Aberash's job to make me feel safe and loved.  While that might be instinctively obvious for some parents, it's a huge fucking deal for me.  And ever since I remembered and recommitted to that TRUTH, things have been different.  More SERENE.  I've been able to be Aberash's dad through the times when she is kissing me and the times when she is pushing me away without it turning my insides into twisted knots.  The other night I was lying in bed, when it suddenly hit me.  What about my job with Taidgh?  In the midst of all my frustration, what exactly is it that I WANT from the kid, anyway?

It's certainly reasonable for me to expect my teenage son to pick up after himself.  But somewhere along the way I seem to have forgotten what being an adolescent boy feels like.  The weird push/pull of wanting to show you are an adult while being so goddamn uncertain of every move you make.  The never ending pressure to compete and prove yourself, and how it's viewed as weird or weak by parents and peers if you happen to be one of those boys that doesn't give a shit about sports.  The absolute certainty that NO ONE feels as lonely or misunderstood as you.

The armchair psychologist in me wonders if my discomfort with parenting a teenager has something to do with my relationship with my dad, and the fact that it was around the time when I was 14 that my dad and I started to drift apart.  But fuck it, my job isn't to be a psychologist.  My job is to be a parent.  Being a parent to a teenager - even a good teenager like Taidgh - is hard, and I'm really not sure I know what I'm doing.  But Taidgh is 14 years old.  He might be finding his own path, but he's not there yet.  He's lost in the woods.  And helping him find the right path is still my job.  So much for Taidgh living up to his potential... what about me?

While I'm finishing up this post, Taidgh comes down and starts talking to me.  He's going on in his typical million-miles-a-minute-one-topic-flows-into-the-next style.  He talks to me about robotics, things he's read on reddit, the meaning of names, Twelve Angry Men, and lunch at school.  I want to finish my post, but I stop to listen.  I'm not frustrated and also not beating myself up for ever having felt that way.  I'm mostly feeling thankful.  Thankful that my 14 year old son is talking to me.  Thankful  that he really is such a great kid.  And thankful that I remembered this TRUTH:  I'm not sure I know how to be a great dad to a teenager, but I know it's my job to try.  No matter what my final grade might be, I'm sure as shit shooting for "A for effort" from here on out.